evasion

it knew not its end;

it knew not its place.

and grew coiling upward

fits and flares unwarranted.

remorse in remission,

closure in evasion

comfort in coiling and contorted decease.

that comfort which i sought, purposefully

thinking of drowning in its forgetfulness,

twisted, turned on me entwined and amplified

my fears.

my most profound nightmare

revisited.

consolation never was constituted,

deliverance never delivered;

reprieve never recovered.

and needless to say,

sleep; it evades.

just another wistful reflection on love.

i used to be in love with love.

i used to believe in the power and the beauty of the magical quality that transforms relationships into shining creative, life-giving entities.

i used to find myself enthralled by the mystery and the spontaneous combustion of new love.

i used to wait expectantly for it to find me.

i don't want to be jaded. i don't want to be burnt out. but after all the weddings and all the engagements, all the couples and the seasoned relationships, it's begun to feel like love is only how i make a living.

reasonably, i know that i don't have to wait for love. i know that i'm surrounded by it. My friends are gracious and my Savior is fully redemptive. But every day my fingers slip more progressively from my sturdy grip on the belief that romance is going to work for me. My defeatism and disenchantment grow, chipping away at my vision of what could have been mine.

this is something i regret.

love is still beautiful to me, i just have stopped believing that the beauty of love is FOR me.

Let's be honest. the quest for love is a fool's errand, and it takes courage to continue the search.

But love is life, and I choose today to continue to believe in it, even if romance was never written into the script of my life. The love which i affirm encourages, brightens, and creates. The love that i will propagate closes chasms and dissolves distress. The love that i believe in has the last word in a world where death gets all the biggest headlines.

i will drop the cynic's axe.

i will believe. i will change.

i will.

i'm just not your type.

I would just like to say that I don't like it when people think they have me pegged.

"oh so you're the type of girl who...."

yes, i have eclectic music preferences; no i would not consider myself a "hippie". yes, i have a facial piercing and short hair; no i do not skateboard. yes, i am an avid and devoted Christ-follower; no i do not make all of my own clothes, nor do i hate democrats. yes, i like to sing; no i do not want to be famous. yes, i love coffee; no i do not wear lots of scarves. yes, i have high standards; no i do not hope to remain alone.

i guess i'm not trying to fit a "type". I'm simply doing the things that make my life full and meaningful. I'd like to be cultured as well as cultural. I'd like to be fit as long as it doesn't pull my sweet tooth. I'd like to be a rather verbal and articulate introvert. I'd like to express a happiness that doesn't require me to continuously smile.

Now, i realize as i'm writing this down that it begins to sound somewhat dark and angry. this is not my aim. I'm just getting a little frustrated at the tendency of many (from friends to strangers) to try and place me - to categorize me and figure out why i'm still single, or why i'm a psych grad working in a nursing home, or why on earth i'd want to go to India.

people, i'm not a type and it's not a problem.

can't anyone just take me or leave me?

anyway, since i'm not the type of girl to be labeled... ;) let me tell you what type i am.

i'm the type of girl who loves to love on old people, even if they don't remember me day to day. or if they hit me. ouch.

i'm the type of girl who starts to enjoy working into the nighttime hours because it means i get to be in on the summer-in-ohio-backroads phenomenon that is tiny sparks of brilliance flickering moment by moment. it looks like life and it feels like dying; it's constant creation and feeling and motion. it's a pale green splat on the windshield that stays lit when it dies. it's as simple as driving through all the fireflies.

i'm the type of girl who continuously loses the battle with myself to be ever striving, ever learning, ever changing and growing.

i'm the type of girl to get back up again.

i'm the type of girl to skydive.

i'm the type of girl to lose track of my speed on the highway because i'm looking at the harvest moon.

see, you don't have to have me figured out. i don't even think i do.

Me Today

So, today i drove home from West Virginia. The drive was great, and i'm happy to report little to no back pain during the three-hour trip!

i did my (now traditional) 125 (once per road trip, if you must know) miles per hour during a lonely straightaway, and before leaving West Virginia I caught some lunch. I know you're thinking, "well, that's hardly bloggable," but before you continue with your lofty criticism, you should know that because i felt i had one last West Virginian weekend adventure left in me this Sunday afternoon, i opted out of Wendy's, Subway, McDonalds, and Gino's Italian Bistro; all to subject myself to the splendor of Tudor's Biscuit World. Lunch was truly and entirely an experience, let me assure you. also, as a side note, it was delicious!

Anyway, I drove all the way home and was here by about 4 pm.

I began to unpack, trash first, and realized to my dismay that i had more than likely left my house key.... in my house. [what kind of idiot....!?] I called my roommate, who said she'd be home in three hours. fantastic. I confirmed myself as keyless, and tried the sometimes-unlocked front door to no avail.

So it's me, my car, my one-day luggage, and my computer charged to 27%. I finished an episode and a half of How I Met Your Mother before my battery died and i began to read the John Green novel i'm enthralled with at the moment. After about a hundred pages I had a fit of brilliance, realizing that there was an outlet on the outside wall of our house on the porch, so as i charged my computer i finished that half-watched episode, and then closed my mac to charge.

As i returned to my back seat and settled back into Paper Towns, I glanced up momentarily, distracted by some noise - probably the obnoxious and adorable black&white cat that runs around here - and my bib number from the 10k last week caught my eye. it's pinned to my drivers' seat sun visor: #350.

And then it kinda came over me: I'm the kind of person to be reading a haphazardly named novel in the back of her car; one who has run a 10k and is beginning to really enjoy road trips. I'm the type of person that falls in love with beautiful words and who values journaling, who has read her Bible consistently for the joy of it during the last week, and who bakes a mean chocolate chip cookie.

I'm explicitly, though partially, the person i've been hoping to start becoming.

Yes!

(I'm also the type of person who wears a watch, which, though it is not an item to cross off my bucket list, is something i've always aspired to. obviously, this is beside the point.)

Life is really all about the becoming, isn't it? Someday I'll also be a person who's been skydiving and who's had a baby and who has spent at least two years in a foreign country.

but right now i'm on my way, and the way is great.

I'm living life for the experience.

merry lee.

>

My tears I know won’t change a thing, but my ambition can.

There’s emptiness upon this broken earth.

For all is warped and twisted in unrivaled magnitude:

Oh, precious one – you cannot know your worth.

Outrage is perpetrated daily, Beautiful is scorned

And malice’s reward is bubbling mirth.

My tears, my only ally, filled with empathy and angst

Pour out so pure my soul can hardly bear it.

They’re charged with meaning, unrelenting, angry for the grief

Of helpless hearts; pity their only merit.

But my hot ambition, pent up, seething, can cause me to act-

Through my tears I run with purpose towards a goal.

And steadfast, always looking up, my motivation this:

Your pain is unforgotten to my soul.

I’ll speak for you, you voiceless, and will see for you, you blind;

Eyes locked, hands clasped, we make eachother whole.

And whole we’ll be, perfection in this place of broken hearts.

We’ll gain what we have longed for desperately.

For unity will make us love; and justice bring us peace.

We’ve found it. We’ve together found the key.

oh hey. my heart is warm.

and my skin will be, too, in a matter of mere hours! i don't feel like falling asleep... in fact, i feel like a nice cup of coffee, but i know that's just not wise the night before your last early day of a long and exhausting 2 weeks.

Today being the first day in what feels like forever that I didn't have a single solitary activity planned away from my home sweet home, i decided to use it for some major me time after class was over. boy, if bubble baths and book reading only burned calories...

i learned a lot today too, though. a lot about people, and how different they are, and how weighty their unique preciousness is. Gisela, Judy, Buck, Margaret. One bound by dementia and language barriers; one bound by a brain that cannot process and the cogs and machinery of the modern transportation technique; one bound in a rigid body and an unresponsive facade; one bound by hospice care and a treasonous memory. Heather, Alyssa, Jeff, Salena. One broken by life and death, struggling to maintain her position and straining to feel something; one broken by mistakes early on, defined by mistakes and ambitions on hold; one broken by one lay-off too many, seeking change in a mundane life; one broken by trust given unearned and by too many relationships, but still seeking love, learning, and the betterment of family.

and to think! all of us thrown together in a week, one big mess of problems, brokenness, pasts, and yet - brotherhood.

yes, i got to thinking today about how much love there is among humanity that bands together. unity is beautiful, compassion is precious, and the burden of the soul and body lays heavy on my heart as i continue to meet people, all of whom are broken somehow.

who knew we all needed each other so much?

romantic

What a romantic life i've got!

ok, now i'm not talking about romance like roses and cuddles and ryan gosling, and i'm not talking about romantic in the historical context or era, either. (when you read that, i hope you pronounced it I-thur, instead of E-ther. it just makes me sound more educated if you did. and i am a college graduate. so, keep that in mind for future reference... thanks.)

no, none of that romance. i don't know, i guess, romantic in the most poetic form of the word. beautiful; ironic; mysterious; longing. all of that.

first, there's this nursing class. 8 hours a day for two weeks. 8 people in the class... all very different. it's a very breakfast-club type situation, all of us starting off sort of resenting and being weirded out by each other, but growing through extended periods of time and shared experiences to sort of depend on each other and read each others' quirks. it's kind of beautiful, getting to know strangers.

next there's good roommates, a fantastic church home to look forward to attending weekly, mint-flavored hookah, new recipes, newfound physical and emotional stamina, photoshoots, the book of Hebrews, an impending trip to the beach, and an unquenchable desire for water and yoga, which are both making me so healthy right now! where is all this coming from? gosh, my life is real good!

and of course, there's the trips to cedarville in my car, with which i have some kind of strange bond. i'm singing more now than i may ever have. i think it's really good for me.

And then, oh my stars, there's people like Katherine, Merilee, and Jena.

people i can really talk to. people i can draw inspiration from. people who just get me. people who don't like coffee (i love me some morning brew, but i love individuality more.) people who can not only handle but appreciate abstract ideals. people who go overseas and love on other people. people who write with soul. people who CARE about truth, life, love, and other mysteries.

i get to have people like that in my poetically romantic life.

The rain tonight is romantic; which i guess is why i thought to use that particular adjective to quantify my life tonight. Rain makes everything look new, fresh, and photogenic (not to mention wet and splashy). i just love probably everything about it: the feel of the cool droplets, the evocative atmosphere it creates, the renewing properties, the lyrical sound.

my life is like that to me. causing contentment, ever changing, leaving me feeling entirely renewed.

V-day

i don't know if it's too much to ask, and i don't care if you agree...

but i'm longing for that moment when someday someone will sing to me.

he'll turn my lonely into lovely, he'll hold me and my heart will smile.

the days spent gazing out of windows all, will seem, were worth the while.

worth the trip down the broken road for the end result of the journey to see.

but here, but now, through tears tonight; the broken road is breaking me.

breaking, broken, shattered heart, have you no solace, no reprieve?

will you ever cease to wallow? are you no one's priority?

bygone, buried, wasted love, have you found nowhere yet to rest?

must you hover, never landing 'til you pass life's bitter test?

and a day, a day to celebrate this quest for making life complete

seems effortless for those who love and savage toward the love-effete.

Saint Valentine, you barbarous, sadistic, feral, heartless man.

your holiday is perfect if depression was your plan.

but as for me, i'm sitting, waiting, love nearby hov'ring patiently.

it will not rest until it finds

that man who's going to sing to me.

wow, stuff is beautiful, isn't it?

I was driving home tonight from an eventful, productive and super fun evening on campus, having helped create a video for the philanthropy committee i serve with in Student Government, been to a 100-Days' party celebrating the nearness of the walk across a stage to shake the president's hand, and participated in an intimate gathering of screaming, joking, giggling girls in honor of a very special birthday.
As i said, i was driving home, and the snow had begun to fall faster than i particularly like it to on my drive home. i began to tense up from my toes to my forehead muscles, and kept having to tell myself "just focus on the part of the road you can see, and take it slowly." Well, when you're driving into a snowstorm at midnight, your brights don't help. neither do your normal lights, really, since the road looks exactly the same as the surrounding fields. But the brights don't work because they make you feel like you're in warp drive, even if you're only going 35 on the highway. oh, man. my hands were little gloved fists on the wheel, and oh! my forehead muscles!

i kept thinking, boy, am i ever ready to be in INDIA.

i made it a good bit of the way without incident, sqeezing my whole face on the really tight curves (cars always seem to come at you from the opposite direction when you are on the worst turns in the road!) and i was thinking i'd really be fine. I was making one of my last turns when i lost my connection to the road and my car forgot all friction and began to do whatever it deemed necessary. i stopped just in time, having turned 90 degrees from 25mph to a standstill. every time i fishtail i just want to cry. sometimes i do.

anyway, after that i made it home, losing control a couple of more times, but without incident. it was only as i was pulling up into my driveway that i realized how serene and perfect everything looked. i decided to go for a little snowy night walk.

i threw my first snowball of the season. i was a little bummed that there was no one to throw it at, but hey, if it doesn't hit anyone, i don't have to worry about getting hit by one in return! i made tracks on fresh snow, and spun a little bit.

Even if it means a little slow driving, and some sore forehead muscles, i hope it keeps snowing tomorrow. I plan on getting out to do a little shooting before traveling to my next job opportunity... let's pray for a job offer soon, people!

Anyway, the snow reminded me tonight that there are always two sides to every coin.

There's fascination in frustration. There's perfection in pain. There's beauty in bewilderment.

i think we just have to find it.

deepest and darkest.

Here's the thing. i've always wanted to believe that my longings were showing me who God wanted me to be. That ultimately, He was using my quirks and individuality to create a person who in her ideal state would reflect His glory... in all of hers.

But here's some philosophy for ya- here's what i'm asking myself today:
do our personal desires and tendencies belie our destinies, or our dark sides?

have we been created to fulfill a great potential that's ever welling up inside of us; or to deny ourselves, following Christ to the death?
see, when i think about it, the former option sounds a little like existentialist humanism to me, and the latter sounds like Luke 9:23.

but man, it feels nice to think that when this life lives itself out, ultimately i'm gonna get what i want.
it's sort of like a punch in the stomach to remember that what He wants is what it's really only all about.

an episode of thankfulness.

So, here i am. living alone.

well, essentially. i do have two beautiful and excellent housemates... who are never home. :)
I've thought of all the things i can do to utilize allll of the extra time i'll be gaining this semester - i'll gain at least 18 hours a week from not attending classes, and that doesn't even begin to count the time spent doing homework! all in all, we'll say i gain an extra day per week in down time.
you jealous yet?
ok, so i do have a job, but to let you know how life-consuming that will be, i'll just say that i have two shifts this week which add up to a grand total of 10.5 hours.
what am i going to do with myself??
an excellent question.
I intend to 1) catch up on sleep, 2) reunite myself with my artistic side, 3) diligently devote myself to learning, and 4) work on my personality as a thankful individual who is an encouragement to others.

1- this is self explanatory.
2- i brought back all of my paints and sketchpads from home, i've printed off some fantastic sheet music to work on at the pianos in the practice rooms, and i hope to listen to a lot of good music, write and blog a lot more, and run consistently. (i know it's a little bit of a stretch to have running as a bullet point for creativity, but hey, fitness is an art, right? (also, i'm signed up for a 10k in March. woo! guess who's gonna be in the best shape of her life?) )
3- i plan to be in the Word daily. i'll not become in the future who i'm not becoming today, and i just this morning heard a fierce sermon to the backslidden. Faithfulness is a priority. I also want to stay caught up with my duties under PMI's child sponsorship program, read a ton of really good books, uncover what it really means to me to be a Christian through some independent Bible study i've begun, and I hope to sit in on a few classes i always wanted to take as a student.
4- this is my main goal for 2011. the truth is, i complain entirely too much. When i think of the person i hope to be, i see a woman who is honest with others, but who is not burdened by discontentment. i have no reason to be so selfish as to think there is anything in my life worth getting legitimately upset over. my life has been orchestrated up to this point and is now still being woven into a miraculous and breathtaking pattern of glory, and i believe that with all of my heart.
and so, i will be thankful!

so here i am, living alone. the first thing i have to say for it is that i get to open all my own food!
does anybody else love to be the first person to dip into a brand new jar of peanut butter, nutella, or fabulously fake butter? well, i have always loved it, and it's number one in a long list (which will be notated in no particular order, i'm sure) of things i love about my life and living situation this semester.

also, i smelled three things today: an orange, the peanut butter i opened, and a wonderful coconut lime verbena candle that my mom gave me years ago which i've never been able to burn (thank you, CU). they were beautiful smells!

going tonight to reunite with my favorite girls. going tomorrow to check on prices to get my nose repierced. (thank you again, CU - haha!)
my God is good to me.
how thankful I am that He has me here, and that His love is the most amazing love i've ever known.

Narnia

There's something about walking out of a movie that's a little like leaving Narnia.

I went with my family to see the new Narnia movie this Christmas eve, and I didn't expect to like it. But hey, it's a free movie and we'll get there on my parent's gas, so i'm not going to complain about the two hours of silence in a plush leather chair.

the problem is, of course, that I almost always enjoy movies more than I expect to.

I got sucked into the fantasy. I enjoyed the ride. My heart went out to Eustace when he became a tenderhearted dragon. oh, i'm hopeless, aren't I?

the point, I guess, is that when Carrie Underwood started to sing (she doesn't qualify as a fat lady, but her song did signify the end of the film) I looked around and was not pleased with how i felt.

The movie is about Lucy to me... of course it is, right? It's always about the young heroine who I can -so naturally- relate with. Anyway, the movie closes on Lucy having remained unhappy with her appearance, unable to ever return to Narnia, girlishly hugging everyone in sight because she knows she's leaving behind her favorite land - the place she feels she most belongs - she's leaving behind friends, she's leaving behind crushes that became nothing more than crushes, she's leaving behind a title, she's leaving behind all the magic her ever-changing life has ever known.

She has to return to life, a homely child. she has to return to the daily grind, where her Master is not a tangible Lion, where her brothers are not Kings, and where her family is quite normal.

That's what I was doing when I was thinking about leaving that movie. I was withdrawing from my time of respite and magic, and returning to a normal family with a duty to do - a homely girl without any of my favorite imaginary friends to keep me company.

It seems, however, that a time of emotional respite is not entirely without its moments of crossover into the relevance of the everyday.

One quote has stuck with me.

Lucy longs to be beautiful. It is her deepest self-directed desire. She begins to make a decision that will all but sell her soul just to have the beauty of her coveted older sister.

Her Lord the Lion stops her, and reprimands her with a few meaningful words.

"You doubt your value.

Don't run from who you are."

Oh, vanity. when will i defeat you? when will your tempting words not capture my imagination? I renew again my vow to embrace who i am, how i am. i'm tired of thinking beauty is all there is.

signing out of Narnia,

Julie, the valued.

Confidence

"nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have."

Confidence.

I was listening to this song tonight, and it kinda struck me - no one has had to exert any confidence over me in quite some time. No one has said, "This was hard, but it's worth the risk of my feelings and my pride - I have to be brave today. You're worth that much to me."

all the guys in songs love these sweet-faced girls who twirl their hair around their fingers and have limpid green eyes and lyrical laughter. Seems like real guys just like boobs.

Now, at the risk of sounding like a lonely college senior who has literally completely run out of all time and any gumption to find a man, I ask you to hear me out.

As I grow in my own confidence, I mind being single less and less. I have a lot to enjoy here, and now. It's not that I never sit in my room and think, "I wish I had somebody I could call right now, just to talk about nothing with," and it's not that I never want someone to be sitting behind me for me to lean on, and it's not that I never want somebody to be holding my hand. I just don't always want that. It's just not always on my mind.

The some times that it is, though, I can get to feeling pretty lonely.

Maybe that magical moment will happen. Maybe I'll find him. Maybe I won't. (sometimes i'm okay with "won't". but if i'm honest,

the "won't" part cripples me sometimes.)

but why?

Someone has exerted confidence on my behalf. someone has said to me "This is going to be hard for me, but you, you- i love; and you're worth it, whether you ever love me back or not." He was a man, not a boy. He was selfless and pure, he was all any girl could ever need.

He has. He loves. He's confidence when i'm unstable. He's faithful when i'm faithless. He showers his affection on me daily. I just have to shift my mindset to accept it.

we are nothing. we are forgiven.

there comes a day in the journey to spiritual maturity when you realize it.

"i am nothing. i am wrong. i am, by anyone's account, the most undeserving."

it is that day that you are freed from pride and allowed to comprehend more and more fully what it means that grace abounds in your life.

it is then that you can stagger, stunned with thanks, under the weightiness of the meaning of the cross.

it is then that it sets in why you should regard others as more important than yourself - namely, because they actually are.

but it is also then you realize that you what you want more than anything is just a fresh start.

you want God and everyone else to forget what you did so you can actually begin to try.

your peers, friends, enemies and acquaintances may not be able to give you that;

but it is a promise to you from your God.

He has hurled the memory of it so far away from His being that we have no earthly measure of its distance from Him.

He forgets. He gives you New Life. and He loves you all the same.

forgive yourself; for you've been forgiven.

a little armor

Truth - Righteousness - Readiness - Peace - Faith.

you can't forget the truths you know: they'll guide you through the conflicting feelings. they're all that will keep you going.

Don't ever forgo doing what is right. you will always, always regret it.

be always ready, to share, to go, to be, whatever He wants.

Don't lose the sense of calm and contentment that you've been given. He has everything under control.

be mindful that Christianity is not faith. faith is following blind; trusting a force that may not do the "good" to you that you would prefer. faith is ridiculous. faith is everything.

He is for me, He is with me, His promises protect me.

i shall not fear.

tranquil

a tranquil fall morning, and fog on the lake

does not this ethereal calm beauty make.

and neither the sunrise, the colors, the clear,

nor the stubborn dawn stars twinkling still, and so near.

This beauty, comprised just of the sum of its parts

would not tear at our fancies and tap on our hearts -

no, something is behind it all and tying it together

something makes reflections be, but rarely meet, if ever.

and something is just forcing us to halt our gait and stare;

that something is informing all our souls of just what's there.

for the calmness of first light, the grasses deep green

we yearn to just stay there, our duties forsake;

for i always return, lest i miss the great scene,

to a tranquil fall morning with fog on the lake.

God is beautiful, and i always forget.

He has his timing, and He is constantly doing something. How little i deserve His love. How unfair of Him to let me even be the least deserving of these. He should forget me.

He doesn't forget me!

Lord, how I wish you didn't have to always draw me back to you. How i long to walk ever closely with You. You bless me with your goodness and with things that i love - what a personal God you are, knowing my individuality (having created it purposefully). Why do you care about what i am, what i stand for, what calms me and excites me?

My beautiful God; i always forget.

please continue to provide for the children of India through child sponsorship however and whenever you see fit.

please continue to mold me into your image, whatever that looks like.

please continue to take away from me that which i do not need, that which You do not love.

please continue to rend my heart.

Let me love those you love... let me "identify myself with Your interests in other people, not identify YOU with MY interests in other people."

oof, God, you're good and i'm just not. Thanks for love - thank you that it's there for me, whether i believe in it or not.

that's my everything.

well, i'm not gonna lie.

i'm sitting in class right now.

but i'd rather be writing than concentrating on William James and psychology laboratories founded in 1879.

i was thinking the other day about how some things in life are everything, and i haven't been able to keep the concept off my mind.

see, as style goes, confidence is everything.

in photography, light is everything.

as far as contentment, nothing is everything.

you can be stylish without confidence, but confidence is really what creates style. you can pull off almost anything if you're comfortable rocking it.

Photographs are made up of more than light, but without the correct lighting, no picture will stand out. light is beauty to photography.

nothing as everything is a rather tricky concept - but the way i think about it, i'll never be content unless i feel i need nothing else, and hold nothing in my current possession too tightly. the entire concept revolves around my view of nothing.

What i am now learning, as a subsequent concept, is that to life,

Jesus is everything.

it's been said before --

but here's what it means to me in light of all of this.

you can have life without Jesus, but He's really what makes it life.

Life is made up of more elements than just Christ,

but without Him, no life will have meaning.

He is beauty to life.

I'll never have life until i know what it means to me that i have Jesus.

my entire life revolves around my view of Christ.

i know it sounds elementary, but...

wow. He is really everything.

life's soundtrack.

Have you ever been listening to a song, in the car on the radio, on your ipod as you're walking, blaring from your laptop while you clean your room, and felt like it was the soundtrack your life needed?

I'm convinced there's a music to life. It's lurking under the surface and daring us to break out in dance. It's conveying our emotions in brilliantly worded lyrics. It's bursting out of the seams of our interactions.

And then sometimes, somebody, some musician, gets it. He says what we're feeling. He plays and he means it. There's heart in the music, and it just fits. This music is the conversation of our souls. It's in communion with what we believe in. This music harmonizes what's under the surface with our audible, enjoyable means of entertainment.

This music is the soundtrack of life.

Maybe I'm the only person this happens to? but whenever it happens, i love to embrace it. i smile softly. i close my eyes. i dance.

i hope you find your soundtrack;

and though it can't always be happy,

may your life's music always be eloquently lyricized, and beautifully played.

21 reflections on 21 years.

in my experience...

1 - it benefits me to speak as little as necessary; mostly when I feel like complaining.

2 - stuff doesn't matter. people matter.

3 - life with the joy of obedience is better than life with the excitement of rebellion.

4 - singing always helps.

5 - beauty is everywhere. in everyone. no matter what.

6 - an embrace goes a very long way.

7 - the night sky, in its slow changing, fading, twinkling, and moving, is the most beautifully decorated canvas i know of.

8 - being alone can be important.

9 - it is too expensive to always be fashionable!!

10 - trusting people is vulnerable and risky business, but generally is extremely worthwhile.

11 - i really don't matter; not as much as i think i do.

12 - to find a passion and pursue it may make you feel more alive than you knew you could.

13 - eating healthy can be fun and tasty if you play your cards right.

14 - if you expect too much of people, you can't like them for who they are. and from my experience, it's tragic what you miss out on when you miss out on who people are.

15 - making cookies is just such a good idea.

16 - if you start to feel dumb, just make it fun. it's better than never being uncomfortable in the first place.

17 - everybody has a different body. rock yours!

18 - travel is worth it. worth the cost, worth the discomfort, worth the time. so worth it!

19 - asking the how questions of life will not get you nearly as far as asking the why questions. the why is what really matters.

20 - reading more books is a really good idea that you won't regret later.

21 - doing what other people think is right will leave you confused and disappointed in your decisions. decide what you believe, and decide what you want. then, do it.

here's to another year; may i learn grace and justice, love and surrender like never, ever before.