Monday, June 27

just another wistful reflection on love.

i used to be in love with love.
i used to believe in the power and the beauty of the magical quality that transforms relationships into shining creative, life-giving entities.
i used to find myself enthralled by the mystery and the spontaneous combustion of new love.
i used to wait expectantly for it to find me.

i don't want to be jaded. i don't want to be burnt out. but after all the weddings and all the engagements, all the couples and the seasoned relationships, it's begun to feel like love is only how i make a living.
reasonably, i know that i don't have to wait for love. i know that i'm surrounded by it. My friends are gracious and my Savior is fully redemptive. But every day my fingers slip more progressively from my sturdy grip on the belief that romance is going to work for me. My defeatism and disenchantment grow, chipping away at my vision of what could have been mine.

this is something i regret.

love is still beautiful to me, i just have stopped believing that the beauty of love is FOR me.

Let's be honest. the quest for love is a fool's errand, and it takes courage to continue the search.

But love is life, and I choose today to continue to believe in it, even if romance was never written into the script of my life. The love which i affirm encourages, brightens, and creates. The love that i will propagate closes chasms and dissolves distress. The love that i believe in has the last word in a world where death gets all the biggest headlines.

i will drop the cynic's axe.
i will believe. i will change.
i will.

Sunday, June 19

i'm just not your type.

I would just like to say that I don't like it when people think they have me pegged.
"oh so you're the type of girl who...."
yes, i have eclectic music preferences; no i would not consider myself a "hippie". yes, i have a facial piercing and short hair; no i do not skateboard. yes, i am an avid and devoted Christ-follower; no i do not make all of my own clothes, nor do i hate democrats. yes, i like to sing; no i do not want to be famous. yes, i love coffee; no i do not wear lots of scarves. yes, i have high standards; no i do not hope to remain alone.
i guess i'm not trying to fit a "type". I'm simply doing the things that make my life full and meaningful. I'd like to be cultured as well as cultural. I'd like to be fit as long as it doesn't pull my sweet tooth. I'd like to be a rather verbal and articulate introvert. I'd like to express a happiness that doesn't require me to continuously smile.
Now, i realize as i'm writing this down that it begins to sound somewhat dark and angry. this is not my aim. I'm just getting a little frustrated at the tendency of many (from friends to strangers) to try and place me - to categorize me and figure out why i'm still single, or why i'm a psych grad working in a nursing home, or why on earth i'd want to go to India.
people, i'm not a type and it's not a problem.
can't anyone just take me or leave me?

anyway, since i'm not the type of girl to be labeled... ;) let me tell you what type i am.
i'm the type of girl who loves to love on old people, even if they don't remember me day to day. or if they hit me. ouch.
i'm the type of girl who starts to enjoy working into the nighttime hours because it means i get to be in on the summer-in-ohio-backroads phenomenon that is tiny sparks of brilliance flickering moment by moment. it looks like life and it feels like dying; it's constant creation and feeling and motion. it's a pale green splat on the windshield that stays lit when it dies. it's as simple as driving through all the fireflies.
i'm the type of girl who continuously loses the battle with myself to be ever striving, ever learning, ever changing and growing.
i'm the type of girl to get back up again.
i'm the type of girl to skydive.
i'm the type of girl to lose track of my speed on the highway because i'm looking at the harvest moon.

see, you don't have to have me figured out. i don't even think i do.