Tuesday, December 27
Sunday, December 25
She loved the ways that hair and fabric fall.
Arranging themselves neatly or in disarray as they settle, it settled her soul to watch them flutter. Her long, full skirt and her fine, mouse-brown locks were in the wind.
He had loved her hair. She'd grown it long, as long as she could for him, and he had often offered comment when the light shone upon it, reworking its lackluster tones to reveal subtle hints of gold and glints of copper, like value hidden in a field of wheat. But she stood now in no such fertile field. She stood at the edge of a hill in a warm wind, surrounded by dry grasses, so easily swayed, so easily killed. Fragile. She crossed her arms over her waist and hugged her hips. She closed her eyes as she felt the wind dying down, as her hair and her skirt grew still while the world around her softened, and everything inside her died. She seemed fated to stand this way forever, a hardened woman encased in a rose-colored subsistence.
She understood the way the strips of fabric fell as she cut them away. The yards fell from her quivering as her heart quivered - as her resolve quivered when they had met, accepting gravity's pull with the little effort that seemed the exact opposite of that which had to be mustered to forget him.
But then, that was unfair. how could she forget him? she still had his child.
She treasured the way the hair fell from her shoulders, though she quickly gathered the jagged chunks in her hands. Precious to her, part of her - once a token of love, now shorn in forgetful, painful bliss. It was taken from her so easily: that which she exhausted her effort to keep. She was struck with the reality of the fact that she could spend what seemed an eternity making something her own, and in one moment, in one stroke, see it become so entirely other - estranged from her. Forever.
Naturally, she could always recall what she was like before. She had the pictures.
The contents of her day having been carried out, she stood purposefully under a stream of water: pounding, cleansing, ridding her of the residue of her torturous errands. Tugging her hands through her hair, she was acutely aware of the freshness of its absence. She felt lighter somehow, in the worst way possible.
And she went on her way, in a new dress and a haircut.
She wore them well.
Monday, October 17
Monday, August 29
Thursday, August 11
Tuesday, August 9
Wednesday, August 3
Friday, July 1
Monday, June 27
Sunday, June 19
Monday, April 4
Tuesday, March 22
My tears I know won’t change a thing, but my ambition can.
There’s emptiness upon this broken earth.
For all is warped and twisted in unrivaled magnitude:
Oh, precious one – you cannot know your worth.
Outrage is perpetrated daily, Beautiful is scorned
And malice’s reward is bubbling mirth.
My tears, my only ally, filled with empathy and angst
Pour out so pure my soul can hardly bear it.
They’re charged with meaning, unrelenting, angry for the grief
Of helpless hearts; pity their only merit.
But my hot ambition, pent up, seething, can cause me to act-
Through my tears I run with purpose towards a goal.
And steadfast, always looking up, my motivation this:
Your pain is unforgotten to my soul.
I’ll speak for you, you voiceless, and will see for you, you blind;
Eyes locked, hands clasped, we make eachother whole.
And whole we’ll be, perfection in this place of broken hearts.
We’ll gain what we have longed for desperately.
For unity will make us love; and justice bring us peace.
We’ve found it. We’ve together found the key.
Friday, March 4
Friday, February 25
Saturday, February 12
Friday, January 28
I was driving home tonight from an eventful, productive and super fun evening on campus, having helped create a video for the philanthropy committee i serve with in Student Government, been to a 100-Days' party celebrating the nearness of the walk across a stage to shake the president's hand, and participated in an intimate gathering of screaming, joking, giggling girls in honor of a very special birthday.
As i said, i was driving home, and the snow had begun to fall faster than i particularly like it to on my drive home. i began to tense up from my toes to my forehead muscles, and kept having to tell myself "just focus on the part of the road you can see, and take it slowly." Well, when you're driving into a snowstorm at midnight, your brights don't help. neither do your normal lights, really, since the road looks exactly the same as the surrounding fields. But the brights don't work because they make you feel like you're in warp drive, even if you're only going 35 on the highway. oh, man. my hands were little gloved fists on the wheel, and oh! my forehead muscles!
Saturday, January 15
But here's some philosophy for ya- here's what i'm asking myself today:
do our personal desires and tendencies belie our destinies, or our dark sides?
have we been created to fulfill a great potential that's ever welling up inside of us; or to deny ourselves, following Christ to the death?
see, when i think about it, the former option sounds a little like existentialist humanism to me, and the latter sounds like Luke 9:23.
but man, it feels nice to think that when this life lives itself out, ultimately i'm gonna get what i want.
it's sort of like a punch in the stomach to remember that what He wants is what it's really only all about.
Monday, January 10
well, essentially. i do have two beautiful and excellent housemates... who are never home. :)
I've thought of all the things i can do to utilize allll of the extra time i'll be gaining this semester - i'll gain at least 18 hours a week from not attending classes, and that doesn't even begin to count the time spent doing homework! all in all, we'll say i gain an extra day per week in down time.
you jealous yet?
ok, so i do have a job, but to let you know how life-consuming that will be, i'll just say that i have two shifts this week which add up to a grand total of 10.5 hours.
what am i going to do with myself??
an excellent question.
I intend to 1) catch up on sleep, 2) reunite myself with my artistic side, 3) diligently devote myself to learning, and 4) work on my personality as a thankful individual who is an encouragement to others.
1- this is self explanatory.
2- i brought back all of my paints and sketchpads from home, i've printed off some fantastic sheet music to work on at the pianos in the practice rooms, and i hope to listen to a lot of good music, write and blog a lot more, and run consistently. (i know it's a little bit of a stretch to have running as a bullet point for creativity, but hey, fitness is an art, right? (also, i'm signed up for a 10k in March. woo! guess who's gonna be in the best shape of her life?) )
3- i plan to be in the Word daily. i'll not become in the future who i'm not becoming today, and i just this morning heard a fierce sermon to the backslidden. Faithfulness is a priority. I also want to stay caught up with my duties under PMI's child sponsorship program, read a ton of really good books, uncover what it really means to me to be a Christian through some independent Bible study i've begun, and I hope to sit in on a few classes i always wanted to take as a student.
4- this is my main goal for 2011. the truth is, i complain entirely too much. When i think of the person i hope to be, i see a woman who is honest with others, but who is not burdened by discontentment. i have no reason to be so selfish as to think there is anything in my life worth getting legitimately upset over. my life has been orchestrated up to this point and is now still being woven into a miraculous and breathtaking pattern of glory, and i believe that with all of my heart.
and so, i will be thankful!
so here i am, living alone. the first thing i have to say for it is that i get to open all my own food!
does anybody else love to be the first person to dip into a brand new jar of peanut butter, nutella, or fabulously fake butter? well, i have always loved it, and it's number one in a long list (which will be notated in no particular order, i'm sure) of things i love about my life and living situation this semester.
also, i smelled three things today: an orange, the peanut butter i opened, and a wonderful coconut lime verbena candle that my mom gave me years ago which i've never been able to burn (thank you, CU). they were beautiful smells!
going tonight to reunite with my favorite girls. going tomorrow to check on prices to get my nose repierced. (thank you again, CU - haha!)
my God is good to me.
how thankful I am that He has me here, and that His love is the most amazing love i've ever known.