Thursday, April 22

i just realized that i've been tending towards being somewhat jaded and bitter. 
it's not me. i'd like to stop it. 

but i kind of feel like the world is a dream smasher. 

because that's what happens when you let yourself start to hope.
you end up feeling so alone. 

regardless, i know i need to be better. i need to learn from my own mistakes and not just rely on the wise words of others -- sometimes you just gotta screw up on your own, right?

i guess i'm just more delicate than i realized, so now i think next time i may take the mistakes of others at their word. i still believe in goodness, i just don't believe in it for me right now. right now, it's time to keep putting my head down and running the race. fighting the good fight. keep. my. faith.
right now it's time for hard work, and for sincerely appreciating those lessons i'm fortunate enough to learn along the way.

here's to starting to learn.
may i stop making the same mistakes. 

Monday, April 19

so much to do.

how can i need to take a chill pill so badly, and yet need to do SO many things at the same time?
i don't know which would be more beneficial at this point.
India, finals, recital, regular homework, wanting so dearly to see my friends again!!! and on top of it all, my room is a pigstye.
everything coming to a close means everything's piled on top of my head.

with all this to do i -
wait, why am i wasting my time on a blog??

Thursday, April 15

my first true India-post.

my passport came in the maillll yesterday! yes, i now have to apply for a visa, which is twice as hard, but that's not the point right now.
things are really happening.
i am really headed India in like, three weeks.
so, i've been thinking about it, and i want to be really intentional so that i make the most of my time there. five weeks is going to fly by, i just know it.

1) have my own Salwar-Kameez tailored just for me.
2) memorize between 5 chapters and a whole book of scripture.
3) visit the Taj Mahal, and take SOOO many pictures. eeee.
4) eat all Indian food, without complaining once or whining for a cheeeezeburger.
5) love on every single kid i see.
6) keep up my picture-a-day, and blog with it so i remember as much as possible about what God has done.
7) find some way to work out. maybe? ehhh okay we'll see about this one. i'm not positive. in fact i probably won't. so scratch this one.
8) not look at facebook one single bloody time!!
9) babysit for the missionaries... they have bi-racial children which include a 5 month-old. duh, recipe for aww-factor. and for my maternal instincts to kick in.
10) stay single? not sure why this is a goal of mine, but i certainly don't have a goal to find a man in the next two months. therefore, my goal is not to swoon for someone across the sea.
11) not complain once about the heat.
12) not get dizzy and faint and die as a RESULT of the heat.
13) create genuine and deep community with the believers surrounding me in ministry.
15) critically evaluate whether India is where i want to spend the two years of my life following graduation.

this is me! this is my life! this is really happening.
God, send me.
i'm standing here with arms high, and heart abandoned.
use me.
take all i've got, and never let me go.

Wednesday, April 14

letting go.

why do we feel the need to overcommit?
i'm just realizing that so many of us hold onto every option possible, just so that we won't be left empty-handed. where would we be if we actually committed our time and affection to one thing, and then that choice led us down an imperfect road?
we joke that guys are afraid of commitment, but i think that everybody is, a little bit. i'm scared to commit to a single path for my future. what if i'm unhappy? what if i need to change my mind? leaving your options open might seem like the safest way to go,
but letting go can be insanely freeing. 
change the lock; turn the key. 

i'm gonna listen to my heart, but follow my logic. 
i hope to ever be better, but always be me. 
i want to trust my decisions. i want to learn confidence in everything,
and just let go.

Tuesday, April 13

content to be satisfied.

well, what is a blog if not a little window into the heart of the writer?
today, i am satisfied. i'm fully aware of my shortcomings, and hard-pressed by the consequences of my mistakes. my life is full of things to do, people to speak with, arrangements to make, and dates NOT to forget!

but somehow, i won't let it bother me. 
this busy life will have to wait. 
for i am content to be satisfied,
and i don't care if i am late.

the slowest pace in urgency
will not be sped so you are pleased.
for i am pleased to sit and stare,
and take pictures of the trees. 

my now, this here, will soon be finished,
and i want to not forget
the way i feel on days like these ones.
and you'd agree with me, i bet.

somehow, i'm just smiling because i want to. somehow, i just know that i'm dearly loved. somehow, my heart feels secure and confident, and somehow, i don't care what the haters think. somehow there's peace. somehow there's joy. i don't know where it came from, but i don't care, either.
i'm going to savor it.

Monday, April 5


you know, i really wish i were not so cliche as to be in love with Mother Teresa.
But i can't help it! i am!
if i could pick one role model for my life, it would be her.
if i could pick one person from history to sit down and have dinner with, it would be her.
I recently saw a documentary on her life that literally changed the way i see mine. it has really caused me to take a look at the way i view Christ, people, and service
(and that's basically everything big in my life!)
you know, her birthday is only four days before mine (though her baptism day,which she considered her "true birthday" is only three), and her birthname means rosebud. She was raised Roman Catholic, and though she contributed to her community by
teaching at a convent, it was not enough for her - she was
deeply impacted by poverty.
A woman with open arms and a soul armed with compassion, she had trouble ignoring any form of suffering that she saw
in the streets of India.

Isaiah 1: 16-18
"wash and make yourselves clean.
Take your evil deeds
out of my sight!
Stop doing wrong,

learn to do right!
Seek justice,
encourage the oppressed.
Defend the cause of the fatherless,
plead the case of the widow.

'Come now, let us reason together,'
says the LORD.
'Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.'"

This Catholic woman was certainly as Christian as they come. How i wish i could have even a tiny portion of her impact as i go to her native country seeking to promote justice and encourage the oppressed. You know, i think all she did was love the Lord; and love Him well.

James 2:13 -
"Mercy triumphs over Judgment!"

Mercy, mercy. I need longsuffering and mercy.
Father, give me mercy so that i do not judge; and give me the grace to hold only myself to the standards that i set, but also to share them with others as freely as You allow.