Sunday, December 26


There's something about walking out of a movie that's a little like leaving Narnia.

I went with my family to see the new Narnia movie this Christmas eve, and I didn't expect to like it. But hey, it's a free movie and we'll get there on my parent's gas, so i'm not going to complain about the two hours of silence in a plush leather chair.
the problem is, of course, that I almost always enjoy movies more than I expect to.
I got sucked into the fantasy. I enjoyed the ride. My heart went out to Eustace when he became a tenderhearted dragon. oh, i'm hopeless, aren't I?
the point, I guess, is that when Carrie Underwood started to sing (she doesn't qualify as a fat lady, but her song did signify the end of the film) I looked around and was not pleased with how i felt.
The movie is about Lucy to me... of course it is, right? It's always about the young heroine who I can -so naturally- relate with. Anyway, the movie closes on Lucy having remained unhappy with her appearance, unable to ever return to Narnia, girlishly hugging everyone in sight because she knows she's leaving behind her favorite land - the place she feels she most belongs - she's leaving behind friends, she's leaving behind crushes that became nothing more than crushes, she's leaving behind a title, she's leaving behind all the magic her ever-changing life has ever known.
She has to return to life, a homely child. she has to return to the daily grind, where her Master is not a tangible Lion, where her brothers are not Kings, and where her family is quite normal.
That's what I was doing when I was thinking about leaving that movie. I was withdrawing from my time of respite and magic, and returning to a normal family with a duty to do - a homely girl without any of my favorite imaginary friends to keep me company.
It seems, however, that a time of emotional respite is not entirely without its moments of crossover into the relevance of the everyday.
One quote has stuck with me.

Lucy longs to be beautiful. It is her deepest self-directed desire. She begins to make a decision that will all but sell her soul just to have the beauty of her coveted older sister.
Her Lord the Lion stops her, and reprimands her with a few meaningful words.

"You doubt your value.
Don't run from who you are."

Oh, vanity. when will i defeat you? when will your tempting words not capture my imagination? I renew again my vow to embrace who i am, how i am. i'm tired of thinking beauty is all there is.

signing out of Narnia,
Julie, the valued.

Thursday, December 2


"nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have."

I was listening to this song tonight, and it kinda struck me - no one has had to exert any confidence over me in quite some time. No one has said, "This was hard, but it's worth the risk of my feelings and my pride - I have to be brave today. You're worth that much to me."
all the guys in songs love these sweet-faced girls who twirl their hair around their fingers and have limpid green eyes and lyrical laughter. Seems like real guys just like boobs.

Now, at the risk of sounding like a lonely college senior who has literally completely run out of all time and any gumption to find a man, I ask you to hear me out.

As I grow in my own confidence, I mind being single less and less. I have a lot to enjoy here, and now. It's not that I never sit in my room and think, "I wish I had somebody I could call right now, just to talk about nothing with," and it's not that I never want someone to be sitting behind me for me to lean on, and it's not that I never want somebody to be holding my hand. I just don't always want that. It's just not always on my mind.
The some times that it is, though, I can get to feeling pretty lonely.
Maybe that magical moment will happen. Maybe I'll find him. Maybe I won't. (sometimes i'm okay with "won't". but if i'm honest,
the "won't" part cripples me sometimes.)
but why?
Someone has exerted confidence on my behalf. someone has said to me "This is going to be hard for me, but you, you- i love; and you're worth it, whether you ever love me back or not." He was a man, not a boy. He was selfless and pure, he was all any girl could ever need.
He has. He loves. He's confidence when i'm unstable. He's faithful when i'm faithless. He showers his affection on me daily. I just have to shift my mindset to accept it.