wow, stuff is beautiful, isn't it?

I was driving home tonight from an eventful, productive and super fun evening on campus, having helped create a video for the philanthropy committee i serve with in Student Government, been to a 100-Days' party celebrating the nearness of the walk across a stage to shake the president's hand, and participated in an intimate gathering of screaming, joking, giggling girls in honor of a very special birthday.
As i said, i was driving home, and the snow had begun to fall faster than i particularly like it to on my drive home. i began to tense up from my toes to my forehead muscles, and kept having to tell myself "just focus on the part of the road you can see, and take it slowly." Well, when you're driving into a snowstorm at midnight, your brights don't help. neither do your normal lights, really, since the road looks exactly the same as the surrounding fields. But the brights don't work because they make you feel like you're in warp drive, even if you're only going 35 on the highway. oh, man. my hands were little gloved fists on the wheel, and oh! my forehead muscles!

i kept thinking, boy, am i ever ready to be in INDIA.

i made it a good bit of the way without incident, sqeezing my whole face on the really tight curves (cars always seem to come at you from the opposite direction when you are on the worst turns in the road!) and i was thinking i'd really be fine. I was making one of my last turns when i lost my connection to the road and my car forgot all friction and began to do whatever it deemed necessary. i stopped just in time, having turned 90 degrees from 25mph to a standstill. every time i fishtail i just want to cry. sometimes i do.

anyway, after that i made it home, losing control a couple of more times, but without incident. it was only as i was pulling up into my driveway that i realized how serene and perfect everything looked. i decided to go for a little snowy night walk.

i threw my first snowball of the season. i was a little bummed that there was no one to throw it at, but hey, if it doesn't hit anyone, i don't have to worry about getting hit by one in return! i made tracks on fresh snow, and spun a little bit.

Even if it means a little slow driving, and some sore forehead muscles, i hope it keeps snowing tomorrow. I plan on getting out to do a little shooting before traveling to my next job opportunity... let's pray for a job offer soon, people!

Anyway, the snow reminded me tonight that there are always two sides to every coin.

There's fascination in frustration. There's perfection in pain. There's beauty in bewilderment.

i think we just have to find it.

deepest and darkest.

Here's the thing. i've always wanted to believe that my longings were showing me who God wanted me to be. That ultimately, He was using my quirks and individuality to create a person who in her ideal state would reflect His glory... in all of hers.

But here's some philosophy for ya- here's what i'm asking myself today:
do our personal desires and tendencies belie our destinies, or our dark sides?

have we been created to fulfill a great potential that's ever welling up inside of us; or to deny ourselves, following Christ to the death?
see, when i think about it, the former option sounds a little like existentialist humanism to me, and the latter sounds like Luke 9:23.

but man, it feels nice to think that when this life lives itself out, ultimately i'm gonna get what i want.
it's sort of like a punch in the stomach to remember that what He wants is what it's really only all about.

an episode of thankfulness.

So, here i am. living alone.

well, essentially. i do have two beautiful and excellent housemates... who are never home. :)
I've thought of all the things i can do to utilize allll of the extra time i'll be gaining this semester - i'll gain at least 18 hours a week from not attending classes, and that doesn't even begin to count the time spent doing homework! all in all, we'll say i gain an extra day per week in down time.
you jealous yet?
ok, so i do have a job, but to let you know how life-consuming that will be, i'll just say that i have two shifts this week which add up to a grand total of 10.5 hours.
what am i going to do with myself??
an excellent question.
I intend to 1) catch up on sleep, 2) reunite myself with my artistic side, 3) diligently devote myself to learning, and 4) work on my personality as a thankful individual who is an encouragement to others.

1- this is self explanatory.
2- i brought back all of my paints and sketchpads from home, i've printed off some fantastic sheet music to work on at the pianos in the practice rooms, and i hope to listen to a lot of good music, write and blog a lot more, and run consistently. (i know it's a little bit of a stretch to have running as a bullet point for creativity, but hey, fitness is an art, right? (also, i'm signed up for a 10k in March. woo! guess who's gonna be in the best shape of her life?) )
3- i plan to be in the Word daily. i'll not become in the future who i'm not becoming today, and i just this morning heard a fierce sermon to the backslidden. Faithfulness is a priority. I also want to stay caught up with my duties under PMI's child sponsorship program, read a ton of really good books, uncover what it really means to me to be a Christian through some independent Bible study i've begun, and I hope to sit in on a few classes i always wanted to take as a student.
4- this is my main goal for 2011. the truth is, i complain entirely too much. When i think of the person i hope to be, i see a woman who is honest with others, but who is not burdened by discontentment. i have no reason to be so selfish as to think there is anything in my life worth getting legitimately upset over. my life has been orchestrated up to this point and is now still being woven into a miraculous and breathtaking pattern of glory, and i believe that with all of my heart.
and so, i will be thankful!

so here i am, living alone. the first thing i have to say for it is that i get to open all my own food!
does anybody else love to be the first person to dip into a brand new jar of peanut butter, nutella, or fabulously fake butter? well, i have always loved it, and it's number one in a long list (which will be notated in no particular order, i'm sure) of things i love about my life and living situation this semester.

also, i smelled three things today: an orange, the peanut butter i opened, and a wonderful coconut lime verbena candle that my mom gave me years ago which i've never been able to burn (thank you, CU). they were beautiful smells!

going tonight to reunite with my favorite girls. going tomorrow to check on prices to get my nose repierced. (thank you again, CU - haha!)
my God is good to me.
how thankful I am that He has me here, and that His love is the most amazing love i've ever known.