"Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

..what a fantastic line of thought! many times i think we follow the theology that tells us,without sadness, we wouldn't know what happiness really is - and without darkness we would not recognize the goodness of the light. but, when i think about it, light is light, whether it has darkness to penetrate or not. 

i often try to make a justification of sorts - because this day, two years ago, God let my back break.  I could not understand why a loving God would neglect all prayers and remove His hand of safety and watch me tumble into pain for probably the rest of my life. The depression that ensued for the next few months poisoned my once perpetually sunny disposition, and even after i returned from despair with considerable help, i didn't think i would ever be the same. My justification came in at this point, for i did not want to believe that i had suffered for nothing - "i'm so much better off for it," i told my friends. "Before, i was happy just because nothing bad had happened, but now i know happiness has a price. my outlook has changed - i know the world isn't all rainbows. my happiness now is informed happiness."

but hey, if i'm honest, 

i wish i could just be happy for no reason again. 

and sometimes, i am. i've learned through my experience with suffering that complaining makes nothing better, that pain makes you vulnerable to ask for help which in turn teaches you to trust, that being independent is not all there is to life, that people are good and merciful when you need them to be, that prayer is not ultimately ABOUT getting answers, and that God is always, always sufficient.

 God didn't facilitate my pain to show Himself to me, nor did He need a tragedy to change me. And by no means did He remove His hand of safety - i broke my back and i am alive. The miracles worked out in my life astound me. 

i am learning to be satisfied with what i am given, whether plenty or barely enough, [though just enough is plenty], whether comfort or pain, whether community or solitude. i am satisfied, for multicolored grace in many facets has been shown to me, a sinner. 

my God is so good!