mercy

you know, i really wish i were not so cliche as to be in love with Mother Teresa.

But i can't help it! i am!

if i could pick one role model for my life, it would be her.

if i could pick one person from history to sit down and have dinner with, it would be her.

I recently saw a documentary on her life that literally changed the way i see mine. it has really caused me to take a look at the way i view Christ, people, and service

(and that's basically everything big in my life!)

you know, her birthday is only four days before mine (though her baptism day,which she considered her "true birthday" is only three), and her birthname means rosebud. She was raised Roman Catholic, and though she contributed to her community by

teaching at a convent, it was not enough for her - she was

deeply impacted by poverty.

A woman with open arms and a soul armed with compassion, she had trouble ignoring any form of suffering that she saw

in the streets of India.

Isaiah 1: 16-18
"wash and make yourselves clean.

Take your evil deeds

out of my sight!

Stop doing wrong,

learn to do right!

Seek justice,

encourage the oppressed.

Defend the cause of the fatherless,

plead the case of the widow.

'Come now, let us reason together,'

says the LORD.

'Though your sins are like scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow;

though they are red as crimson,

they shall be like wool.'"

This Catholic woman was certainly as Christian as they come. How i wish i could have even a tiny portion of her impact as i go to her native country seeking to promote justice and encourage the oppressed. You know, i think all she did was love the Lord; and love Him well.

James 2:13 -

"Mercy triumphs over Judgment!"

Mercy, mercy. I need longsuffering and mercy.

Father, give me mercy so that i do not judge; and give me the grace to hold only myself to the standards that i set, but also to share them with others as freely as You allow.

faith is not progress.

while i find myself ineffective,

and success is elusive - a wraith

i've been told there's a strength in my weakness.

praise God, progress is different than faith.

and so, eating my chocolate, i step forth;

first timid, then more and more bold

i fail, time again, and often disappoint,

but i'll finish before i am old.

i'll finish my mission accomplished

(if battered and with brown-bruised knees),

i'll come to my goal line; step up to the plate...

home run. one day i'll win with ease.

though achievement may still be deceptive,

do not allow me to misstate.

remember: we're worth more than we're good for.

our worth is intrinsic - innate.

ethereal and beautiful, memories never die.

if it's been one year, it may as well have been a hundred.

grace :)

what is it about not needing attention and being around people who you know don't judge you that makes life really, really good?

free acceptance. unconditional happiness.

happy to drive and look up at the stars, happy to sing along loudly in the car. happy to sit barefoot and cross-legged next to an old friend, content enough to wait 2 hours for slow employees. happy to take a walk to the park, happy to eat oreos. satisfied not to be holding anyone's hand, happy to be spun too fast on the merry-go round, happy to fall asleep watching shows with a friend to cuddle with, happy to find beauty in places most unexpected, along with those places which are most cliche.

life with grace... it's the good life :)

i'm sick of saying "care for" when i mean LOVE.

if i want to love you, i'm trying to treat you like the perfect Person would treat you, and to see you through HIS eyes.

i'm sick of beauty being only that which is untainted.

beauty is that which has been broken.

you are truly beautiful.

and i LOVE you.

why?

"leave the people who have hurt you,

but keep memories nearby."

'well, thanks alot, cliche and trite,'

i mutter as i sigh.

the memories aren't present -

for the past has passed me by.

but sometimes it makes me crazy

and i just can't figure why.

as happy as i am here,

i feel like i have to try-

put forth effort and put up a front.

i still struggle not to cry.

i don't know that there's an answer

to the pain that makes hearts die.

maybe we're meant to just sit here,

wond'ring and screaming

"why?"

we're beautiful, we're beautiful, we're beautiful - it's true.

i've found a soul that takes my breath -

one free to walk the line.

i've found a soul that's beautiful;

objectively divine.

i've seen a life that's lived in light,

too innocent and true

to ever be tainted by petty vexation.

i've seen that life in you.

i've seen great anger and angst and confusion

and wills which refuse to agree.

i've seen much dark conflict and downcast complexion.

i've seen all of these things in me.

see, if we overlook our loveliness

we're insecure - insane;

but if we see our beauty

then we're arrogant and vain.

as we try to do just as we're told

our confidence bleeds out.

let's see ourselves for who we are!

live strong. forget to doubt.

i've found a future beautiful

with a radiant, sparkling shine.

a soul, a face, a love, a joy.

and all of this is mine.

there's something about home that i just can't get enough of.

i love it more every time i come back here, and it's not just for the mommy hugs and the real food.

[growing up may suck, but it does have some perks.]

i'm living to hope like i know what's coming,

run like i've never been tired,

sing like i'm wanted all over the nation,

and dream like i've never known a single limitation.

i'm hoping to love like i don't care who loves back,

to give like i don't care what i get,

to giggle and be pretty like i love to be a girl,

and to help like it's the only purpose i have in this world.

lost

you can't lose yourself just by losing your dream

and you can't find yourself in swimsuit and sunbeam.

you are not lost because you have lost hold of her.

you are not lost, my son, though you may wish you were.

for i never forget you, not night or not day,

i'd have you home safe if i had it my way,

but my way's not life, though i hope for it still

for i never forgot you, and i never will.

though you drown quite away in the drink and the pain,

that cursed liquid will never erase the great stain

of a heart bleeding love from the seams that were burst-

that is lonely at best and so done at its worst.

my heart hurts with yours, though you don't know it does

i claim hollow prayers as you float on your buzz.

the futility links us -- the senseless transcends

as my prayers go unheard and your high always ends.

reminded, revisited, time and again

i can't help but think of how we were back then.

and though in comparison, you now feel lost,

don't sell all love to feel no pain -

it's just not worth the cost.

rain.

if you're tasting your tears and counting your sighs

if you're watching the tempest just wondering why...

and the world isn't fair, but who said it was?

so let go of your troubles and cling to my love.

but hold on just a little longer.

please hold on for one more day.

once you stop cursing all of your storms,

you will learn to dance in the rain.

cuz I'M catching your tears, I'm counting your sighs

and i know that you're tired and your world's come apart

but i will be near you. i'm holding your heart.

so hold on just a little longer.

hold on for one more day.

when you stop cursing all your storms,

you will learn to dance in the rain...

so force your praise past your twisted lips

until it comes out naturally.

because I'm here,

I have always been.

so come now, come and dance with me.

unclench your fists and raise your hands

let laughter soften your anguished face.

stop waiting for this storm to pass,

and dance with me

in the rain.

redemption and delicacy

life is so fragile, and our objectively subjective beauty is delicate.

anything can crush us.

there are no guarantees.

but maybe that's what makes life so brilliant. maybe that's why the resilience of humans is so fantastic. maybe that's the reason everyone's a little beautiful - because everyone has a slice of the glorious human soul.

we live on, precariously, embodying our destinies and dreams in delicacy.

we continue. we don't cease because we are frightened of the unknown.

we can't.

our beauty redeems us, and we live to stand on our beliefs another day.

the fragility of life is defining, but not limiting.

the breathtaking quality of beauty makes it worth struggling on;

and so here we exist: delicate, but redeemed.

crystal clear

sometimes, i just wish i were the smart girl who has it all together.

but i'm not.

foggy, murky undertones, and you have plugged my ears;

remembering days i felt right at home, but now what am i doing here?

my days are filled with isolation; my nights are filled with fear-

life has a mean way of thinking it's funny. life's not crystal clear.

laughing at days i thought things were all good, laughing at things i held dear

pushing away what i once thought i loved, and holding my agony near.

there must be a reason i can't hold my peace - my tipped-turvy life drips a tear

for nothing is certain, nothing is sound, and nothing in life's crystal clear.

to grow in my knowledge and stature and love, to be more mature year by year

i wanted it but now i seem paralyzed, and the whole world is stopping to jeer.

my senses are filled up and all overwhelmed, but i can't breathe or see, speak or hear.

i can't breathe or see what i'm coming to be. i can't see. for nothing is clear.

redeeming beauty

beauty in death, redemption in fading

fair but forlorn in a withering way.

safe total loss, gracefully dying.

you paused not to nap, not to loiter or play;

but diligent, finished the task of your heart

quitting for nothing but falling apart.

dimples in the snow.

in a campus full of footprints, i mix present with the past

by walking in the steps of those i see along my path.

to see where you have come from and to know where you have been;

a visible reminder that contrasts the now with then.

It makes me stop to wonder, even stops me in my tracks

to think that where i stand another shoe 'stepped on the cracks'.

a valued, thoughtful person walked where i am standing now.

their troubles raced around their head as fast as they'd allow.

next time you think of leaving tracks, remember - others will see.

they'll see where you are going and they'll step in your shoes like me.

then time will erode what you have done -

your footprints come and go,

but all your efforts will become just dimples in the snow.

I would give anything to make you better
I would give anything to point you to free
I would give anything to help you realize...

--brooke fraser

I'm proud of what i've become.

I've learned how i want to love, and i'm learning to find beauty everywhere, even in me.

I have achievements to speak of, things i have accomplished which i never thought possible.

I'm going places, doing things, being a leader, a winner, an artist, a scholar, and a friend.

I have become persistent. I have become fierce. I am becoming fearless.

I am adventurous, spunky, giggling, serving, and unassuming -

i have always been.

But now i am better, and i continue to grow.

Now, i am free, and i soar on the wings of my perseverance.

Now i realize. Life is not about me.

Vday'10

sometimes, i feel so unstable.

what is it, hormones? poor hormones - they are so overblamed.

sure, it's valentine's. sure, that's not the most exciting day for single people. but i'm that aspiring super-Christian! i have God - He's all i need, right? He's my valentine, and that's just as much fun as dancing and a new necklace and a bouquet of daises, right?

....riight.

Thomas Watson said, "Whatever trouble in this life a child of God experiences, it is all the hell he will ever have."

Now, i am not expressing the audacity to label my current situation as "suffering", but how profound and comforting is this thought? we can endure a few bad valentine's days in light of the eternity we're receiving, can't we?

and maybe it does sound cheezy. maybe i am trying too hard; but by no means do i have no one. I have the unchanging One, the One who cherishes and protects me. I have the One who gives me the choice to adore Him, respect Him... the One who made me beautiful and loves me more than i have ever been loved before.

what fantastic love this is.

Father, help me love You. Help me miss You when we're apart and linger over the glimpses i get of you. Help me to dwell on You each day, and to need You in order to find happiness.

a sad song for no one

mystical elegance, frozen serenity

following snowflakes with your hopes unfurled;

disclosing the words of your heart never spoken,

now uttered in silence but heard 'round the world.

the cry of your heart is the heart of the masses -

longing for one who will see and redeem.

you imagine that when you cry, you won't cry lonely,

but everyone knows that your dream's just a dream.

so speak it in silence, the pain of the world

or shout it from rooftops and voice what we know.

but everyone's thinking it, you've just been bolder.

though you hope in your heart, your heart's pain will still grow.

grace, peace, and new life.

a weekend of sleep deprivation and still i'm up at 3AM...

how does that happen? :)

well, i got to meet a baby yesterday. i don't know how much i have to say about it, really, except for how beautiful i think new life is. i took some pictures with Sammy, the trusty rebel, and was very pleased with quite a few of them. I have a lot to learn about photography, but every time i shoot i feel like i learn something new, and get better and better.

That's the way i want my every day to be.

what use is a day if i haven't become one step closer to the lady i see myself being? what use is a class if i don't learn how to apply it to my dreams of that better me? what use is a friendship if i don't grow in love, life, happiness and grace? i'm not finished yet. i have more to be than this julie. i have more to see, more to do, more love to give. praise God he doesn't let me sit on my butt and stay where i'm at. praise God for beautiful new life, from my head

to my toes.

may His everlasting peace be mine; and yours as well.

i don't love you, but i always will.

sometimes, God affirms us in really weird ways. =]

today, the highlight of my day was making french toast for two very grateful guys. i was in a bad mood, and i had walked across campus four times... come on! I live in Johnson; it's no small feat (for my small feet... ha-ha-ha). but at lunch, somebody actually had use for me. they didn't need to affirm me, they just needed to need me. anyway, i have a lot of experience with french toast and i made it for them, and they loved it. I forgot how refreshing it is for me to do things for other people. it's a part of who i am, i guess it's my love language - acts of service. it makes me happy,

it makes me like to live.

it made me think, gee, i'm glad that i'm going into something that lets me serve people all the time. i know it will be hard and tiring, but i'm so built for it! i'm built to be blessed by selflessness - and how often do i forget that??

India. how pumped am i to get to go, just to serve? oh man.

i'm so excited.

the other highlight of my day was singing

the civil war's "poison and wine" in David's

interruption tonight. some memorable lines... "your hands can heal, your hands can bruise - i don't have a choice but i STILL choose you." "I don't love you but i always, always will."

for some reason, no matter what i sing, i worship. I'm not trying to say i'm all that. i know good singers are pretty much dime-a-dozen, so i know i'm nothing special, but something special does happen to me when i sing. singing doesn't make me-happy, or make me-better... singing just... makes me. i feel liberated and loved, i feel open and honest, i feel

real when i sing.

so, this is what i'm made of:

service and worship.

that's how i wanna live.

changing direction; changing places.

Hey, guys! Well, the purpose of this blog is changing a little bit. Previously, it's been a little bit of a journaling endeavor, something of an outlet for me. There are poems and daily updates and stuff, but from here on out, it's going to be my India blog. I hope you enjoy hearing what God's doing in my life! feel free to click >follow< :)

i'm the other son.

and are you the prodigal, or are you the son

who acts like a servant with all undue cause?

rejected relationship, resented, and fumed,

and acted un-thought-of, though he truly was.

opportunity knocks - so act on your chances

don't gloat at the sight of the fall of another!

work on you, and don't worry about what he'll become.

he's not competition, you see, he's your brother.

[you see, i was listening to the sermon,

though it may not have appeared that way]

a little life update...

i just can't help feeling like i don't deserve all the blessings i've received this year. how thankful i am for my life here in 2010!

twenty is a great age to be, and college is a great place to be! although...

you do run into some slight inconveniences :)

i made coffeepot ramen today, it worked pretty well except for that the time it took for the noodles to absorb the hot water is about the same amount of time it takes for hot water to cool.

after that, though, i ate oreos and skyped my sister for 47 minues and 24 seconds, which was surprisingly refreshing. (not the oreos, i remain confident in their unchanging power)

mmmm.

but honestly, things are just so good. i've finally started working on my online biology class, which is a pain, but a manageable one. I also just found out about Google Reader, which is AWESOME and has been eating up a lot of my time as i find more photography and friend blogs to follow. Everything i find out about google impresses me... for instance, have you tried Google Chrome? Fast, Facile, Fantastic!

My Canon EOS Rebel XS arrived in the mail yesterday, as you probably saw, and i name things... so named it Sam [cute and gender-neutral, though the more time i spend with it, the more feminine vibe i

get :) ]. I already have a couple of shoots lined up here at school! These will be the first shoots with people who aren't immediate friends of mine, outside of work for CL!X during my breaks from school. i'm soooo excited.

The future holds Elliv practices, preparations for India, arrangements for the new Cedar-cliff township ministry, a trip to Texas with my favorite girls, and a LOT of drawing.

i'm looking forward to everything about this semester... i wouldn't change a thing.

Meet Sammy.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so, i buy a new camera last week, and then before it even arrives,

i find out today i get to take it to the Taj Mahal in four months.

India, here i come!!

also, i get to go to dance rehearsals for the next three months because one audition in my life finally paid off!

my car got fixed, i got a 100 back on a class assignment, i went to a productive ministry meeting with the "big wigs", i drew for an hour and a half, i ate cake and macaroni & cheese and studied one short, distracted hour for a test that i will get a great grade on tomorrow.

fair to say it's been an entirely amazing day?

alright, i think so.

well, i'm going to go to the rock climbing wall for my first lesson. :)

"why can't every day be just this good?"♪♫

us.

Uninspired,

but full of hope

sheltered by those who will listen.

held and encouraged, supported, believed.

safe, even when you don't glisten.

growing, if slowly; not dying, not dead

under the watch of protection

that knows who you are when even you don't...

when you're scared of your own reflection.

embraced, celebrated, and kept from collapse

by a people who knows your heartbeat

until you are stronger than you are right now,

until you can stand on your feet.

this is the answer to our hurting place.

it's what the world's begging to see -

a great revolution of "us", not of "them";

and in my life, it's starting with me.

i believe

sweet resistance, you compel me not to stay, but to move on.

and even if i wanted to, i think i'm too far gone.

listening with dawning grin, hanging on the words

not even meant for me but which have soothed some of my hurt.

i believe there is no boundary, no place across a track

from whence a tender youthful heart with effort can't bounce back.

and yes, a double negative seems oft' the only way

to emphasize my true point. is there truth in what you say?

sometimes we speak out from our hurt instead of from our heads,

with thought in mind of what should be, and what is, now, instead.

but no matter how much i don't understand, no matter what i do,

you know i'm hoping for your best. you know i. believe. in you.

duo

bit her lip and toughed it out, she grew among the thorns

until the blossoms, white and sweet did blossom and adorn

the ends of twigs which never seemed would be lovely again.

a bowed head and a simple prayer which ends in sweet amen

has brought the rain to pass and promised all new precious life

she's owned all that she wants to be, and not a waiting wife

but instead a gorgeous bride in present and in truth

to one who never will forsake, in age or in charmed youth.

there's something about stability that enchants and holds her down

but something also that released her;

freed her from all that bound.

questions asked silently of the night sky

when no one else listens or cares to ask why.

great silver moon, turned on your side,

have you ever had something you wanted to hide?

ever a secret, or ever a fear

that made sure you lost all you ever held dear?

great silver moon, rolled on your back,

have you ever felt strangely completely off track?

odd somehow, angry, frustrated or torn,

for no reason at all, are you down, or forlorn?

"We are shaped and fashioned by what we love." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

i love...

rain! even on the cold days. it makes me want to lift my face and just smile. i don't care that i look stupid. or that i'm wet :)

oreos. seriously, they make every dessert better [not to mention any day!]

babies. yep, Erin's about to be a big sissy. =]

Drawing. sure, i get super frustrated drawing the same plant like eight times, but it's so wonderful to have a break to do nothing, think about nothing. just to be a person who draws. is drawing. and that is all. so freeing, so releasing.

pictures! looking at them, taking them, putting them up, selling them, giving them as gifts. don't care. just love em.

Texas, and every tie i have to it. cowboys, josh, jenny, calling my mom.

memories. the good, the bad, and the ugly.

bed. insanely huge, warm, and soft. pillows and blankets: you can't go wrong.

can i restate rain?? what a wonderful phenomenon we've been blessed with. freeing beauty falling from the sky, reminding us our days are not about us.

love love love.

[i'm determined to figure it out.]

Hail

hail. hail on top of a three hour drawing of a plant that looks like it probably grew on saturn, a frustratingly quiet-sitting-on-the-end dinner and an audition for a part that i'm not going to get, [but i won't know that for two weeks.] hail melted by salt which mixed and soaked into the pants which aren't mine that i borrowed to try to look decent for a half hour and now have to wash. [frick. laundry makes my back hurt.] hail that fell on my hair and my face, making them flat and red, respectively, for my videotaped audition.

complaining? no way! not me. not when Haiti is feeling the daily aftershocks of a massive earthquake. not when children have been orphaned, not when people are dying from malnutrition and AIDS. I, the privileged, thin, white American university student with a GPA above 3.5, am not whining about my petty issues of the heart. or about hail. damn hail.

oh, come on, i'm allowed an off-day, aren't i?

well, i did have a good time drawing for about the first hour and a half, and i did love singing again - i haven't been doing too much of it. preparing for this audition got me singing in the shower and on the sidewalks. i like that. and i've been putting off laundry for far too long. maybe i'll just put on a pot of coffee and get started on it; that way i can smell the delicious scent of my detergent - one of the few smells i can recognize.

is it really true? is life 10% what happens and 90% how you react to it?

well, i'm gonna try it out.

and by the way, i apologize. i shouldn't presume to know how you're feeling, and i'm deeply sorry.

here goes life with a smile... i'm off to go rock climbing!

i dwell on love. i always come back to it. love is everything. love wins. what the heck IS love? i don't know. [but i know what it feels like.]

"when you say you love me, the world grows still - so still inside and

when you say you love me, in that moment, i know why i'm alive." ~Josh Groban

He loves me, and for that love i live.

no, nothing else matters,

no, not how i feel

for feelings are fickle

but love,

love is real.

"how cliche!" you scoff at me

"hypocrite," you groan.

what does this girl know of love?

and you're right. i am. i don't.

but i know that it's been given me

in unabated measure.

sweet gracious gift from those who've cared;

i clutch my undeserved treasure.

i don't doubt it for a second,

though i don't know from whence it came,

for i'm engulfed by warm contentment

every time you say my name.

former they loved you, and former they knew.

you imagine upon them a stupor, a stare.

former you flourished because they saw you.

but now, naturally, they just no longer care.

don't miss it...

As i woke up this morning after a relatively sleepless weekend to a dreary sunday covered in muddy snow, the last thing i wanted to do was get out of my very warm, very large bed.

And then it started to rain.

If people weren't counting on me to be at church, i bet you ten bucks i wouldn't have gone. BUT people do count on me to be at church come sunday school hour, so i climbed out of bed and began to get myself ready. The whole time i was remembering how the same time one week ago i was thoroughly enchanted. i jotted down my experience during last week's painful discourse - sometimes i'm glad i sit alone come sermon-time. this is what i wrote:

when i walked out of my room this morning, i saw a beauty out the window that quite literally stopped me in my tracks. When i started to breathe normally again, i found my hand resting on my chest. The entire world was encrusted in crystal and serenaded by the early morning sun. a thick, pure white mist had covered the earth while it slept, and each ice-drenched twig was kissed by tiny violently vibrant red berries. Whereas normally i walk with purpose and watch my steps, this morning i slowed, head up, stopping to see translucent ice that almost reached out to touch me, admiring the cold, freezing fingers of icicles, larger than i had ever seen before. When i finally got to my car, i had to pause. my black honda civic was covered in precious and unique snowflakes of all different sizes. I took it all in, in total awe. I scrutinized the beauty of each snowflake until my feet reminded me just how cold it was by kindly going numb in the adorable peep-toe heels i was wearing while standing in the 8 inches of snow Ohio had received. (i'm such an incurable Texan, i swear we never learn -- mourning the loss of the cowboys today by the way...) I stepped inside Max, my little car, and continued to examine the snowflakes from the inside of my window as i waited for my car to heat up. i searched for two identical flakes, challenging the notion of their total uniqueness... i found an asterisk, a perfectly symmetrical daisy, and eight thousand other variations of six-sided figures. * [sorry, i had to check to make sure asterisks weren't eight-sided. I'm correct. moving on!]

I reluctantly brushed away the loose snow from my windshield with the wipers and waited for the rest to melt... i have an ice scraper, but i hate to use it (plus i'm just not very good at it - i look awkward and i drop the thing... remember what i said about Texans? ;D ) Well, i was late, and obviously not going to freeze my toes off trying to use my ice scraper, so i perilously departed like an idiot in my ice-encased vehicle; I never before noticed how exhilarating 20 mph could be in the ice. I got to church safely and stepped out of my car to see the morning sun shining through powdery snow gently sifting down off the rooftops and treetops of my whitened world -- it looked like someone had dumped buckets of infinitesimal specks of silver glitter into the atmosphere. i approached the church, breathless, and Ben the bachelor held the door for me. "Good morning, Ben!" i said, "Isn't it just beautiful?"

"Oh, yeah, i guess," he shivered, "kinda cold, though."

Father,

don't let me lose my wonder.

it's time!

...i've bought all my books.

i'm working banquets to support Wander, the precious 12-year old Dominican boy i give to each month.

i'm sending three checks home to my mom tomorrow to deposit for me.

and when they go through,

i'm finally buying a camera.

how blessed i've been to be able to save enough money to buy such an expensive piece of equipment! I justify this large purchase in hopes that it will eventually pay for itself. I will take good care of it, and I'm gonna start charging for my shoots. I'm thrilled. ecstatic.

I know for a fact most photographers don't generally go this nuts over the quality of camera that i'm about to buy - it's kind of the low man on the totem pole. But i have waited and waited, borrowed too many of my friends' cameras, and learned along the way. I've been frustrated about having to wait, but now i'm just so grateful. :)

need a photoshoot done? i'm your woman!!!

water

I, Julie, am water.

reflective, peaceful, moving

influential, compelling

inviting, vast, mysterious, deep, free

otherworldly, refreshing, liltingly energetic

soothing, sweet, laughing, bubbling

comforting, serene, intense and dancing.

i am water.

beauty

"The time will come that all that we love, we will eventually lose,

and all that we hate we will eventually face."

Not all that is beauty is evident

or displayed, that the world might have known;

for the sleeper will miss the ice trees and sunrise,

the cuddlers miss women windblown.

the strong living beauty, vivacious, inspiring

that could knock the breath from a grown man

if he looked -- if he just ever bothered to notice.

how tragic, for he won't, though he can.

For the stars in the cold still velvet winter sky

are not seen by those who are not brave.

the entranced scintillations are lost to the vision

of pine trees and great ocean waves.

Right here! here He is! do you know who He is?

the skies are exclaiming His praise!

and the whole of creation adores Him without us.

through sunsets, seasons, nights and days.

how have we not seen His glory, created?

how have we missed His love signs??

for there is nothing better than what He has made us.

i am Beauty's love, and He is mine.

conformity

hustle and bustle, and impatient fits-

where are your relationships now?

your mighty heart tumbled in hour of need

for shame, what your values allow.

hypocrisy all! do you see what you've done?

what you even continue to do?

snow gently drifts on your strong-set ideals

they must be used to benefit you.

all your cars in a row, and your ducks in a lot

the backwards norm twists us around!

but we move on, like cattle alike and the same

we rebel by obeying the sound

of the "fortunate" ones, those great povertous holes

we call stardom and wealth and great fame.

but they've bought their fortune, and lost all their souls.

and every last one

is the same.

winterkissed

harsh but beautiful, the cold hard truth,

seeking for right to be found

but truth if neglected, as winter-kissed plants,

will shrivel and die in the ground.

"tough love, baby, tough!" is more a battle cry

than it may seem to raw untrained ear.

she who has tried all else sings this love song

though it brings her to her greatest fear.

the death of the truth with the death of her love

was her nightmare and now is her song.

they've shriveled and died in a hole, side by side,

and have left her right-siding her wrongs.

but great Truth isn't dead, no! and Love never dies!

though those in your reality may...

never forget, winter plants grow again. 

hold hope as you wait, watch, and pray.

joy, peace, and hope

faith is heart instead of fact

love is a soft caress.

joy is a strength, in the face of unknown

to grin and say "nevertheless!"

integrity is roots too deep

to be moved by trendy gusts

peace knows you can fight for fair and calm seas:

yes, in order to find it, you must.

gentleness turns large men to lambs,

pride swells in honest chest.

hope is seeing through all things

the better, the great, the best.

"Grace doesn't depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors."

..what a fantastic line of thought! many times i think we follow the theology that tells us,without sadness, we wouldn't know what happiness really is - and without darkness we would not recognize the goodness of the light. but, when i think about it, light is light, whether it has darkness to penetrate or not. 

i often try to make a justification of sorts - because this day, two years ago, God let my back break.  I could not understand why a loving God would neglect all prayers and remove His hand of safety and watch me tumble into pain for probably the rest of my life. The depression that ensued for the next few months poisoned my once perpetually sunny disposition, and even after i returned from despair with considerable help, i didn't think i would ever be the same. My justification came in at this point, for i did not want to believe that i had suffered for nothing - "i'm so much better off for it," i told my friends. "Before, i was happy just because nothing bad had happened, but now i know happiness has a price. my outlook has changed - i know the world isn't all rainbows. my happiness now is informed happiness."

but hey, if i'm honest, 

i wish i could just be happy for no reason again. 

and sometimes, i am. i've learned through my experience with suffering that complaining makes nothing better, that pain makes you vulnerable to ask for help which in turn teaches you to trust, that being independent is not all there is to life, that people are good and merciful when you need them to be, that prayer is not ultimately ABOUT getting answers, and that God is always, always sufficient.

 God didn't facilitate my pain to show Himself to me, nor did He need a tragedy to change me. And by no means did He remove His hand of safety - i broke my back and i am alive. The miracles worked out in my life astound me. 

i am learning to be satisfied with what i am given, whether plenty or barely enough, [though just enough is plenty], whether comfort or pain, whether community or solitude. i am satisfied, for multicolored grace in many facets has been shown to me, a sinner. 

my God is so good!

Urbana

tight jeans getting tighter, loosen up your belt

the problems of america: more passively noticed than felt.

church, have we lost our fire? is there no global appeal?

while we sit on our butts and watch football, 

the faithful are rewarded for zeal.

rewarded with plentiful harvest, 

rewarded with fullness of soul

while we have such great loads of nothing

we seek stuff instead of the goal, which

should be constantly pushing us forward,

constantly making us new -- 

have we lost all semblance of this calling?

Oh Father, make us more like You.